Charleston gained another academic institution this week when James Island opened the doors to Drunk Karaoke University. Since it’s the epicenter of inebriated sing-alongs, James Island is the premier location to offer such a prestigious learning experience.
Drunk Karaoke Professor Kara Moore wants her female students to understand their potential during drunk karaoke performances. “Don’t play it safe with a song you know you can comfortably sing,” she said. “Drunk Karaoke is all about shooting for songs way above your ability, like Heart’s smash hit ‘Alone’. And you should be wearing a tube top that’s one size too small. Always remember…you’re playing to an entire room of people who have drunk themselves to lower standards, and you must adjust accordingly.”
Kara said the rules of karaoke are different for men. “Men must choose songs they can mumble along to, like Toby Keith or Johnny Cash. They must also pretend to lose track of where they are in the song at least once, so they can make it seem like they’re being forced to perform by their girlfriends. It’s a careful balancing act of making an effort, but looking like you don’t give a shit.”
There’s even a degree program for Karaoke DJs, where they can learn how to be manipulated by hot chicks to put their songs first, even though they have no chance of sleeping with them. Karaoke DJs also will learn conflict management so they know how to deal with pissed off people wanting to know when their turn is coming up because they’ve been waiting for over an hour. Then they’ll study how to accept so many free shots in the first half of the evening and become so hammered that the rest of the night is a disorganized, free-for-all disaster.
Drunk Karaoke University will also have a Career Success Center, where distinguished graduates will be placed in karaoke bars all over the Lowcountry to show off what they’ve learned.