James Island Celebrates 1,000th Failed Restaurant

James Island reached a major milestone this week with its 1,000th failed restaurant when Joe’s Pizzeria shut its doors after three months in business. The island has by far the highest restaurant failure rate of any area in Charleston, and shows no signs of slowing down.

Joe’s Pizzeria owner Joseph Catalano described his disappointment after losing his business. “I poured everything I had into this place, but despite my best efforts, I couldn’t drum up any business. I didn’t realize the residents of James Island only want to get hammered, play pool and sing karaoke.”

A recent study by MUSC concluded that most James Island residents run purely on alcohol with little or no food on a regular basis. Study participants stated they avoid eating whenever they can because it might ruin their buzz.

Even with the proven failure of many different restaurant concepts on the island, there are more entrepreneurs ready to throw their money down the drain on bizarre food ideas. Restauranteur Danny Umlin is confident about his new eatery scheduled to open in February. “I know exactly what type of food the residents of James Island want–Thai taco fusion with a heavy disco theme. That’s why I’m opening Thaico Fever.”

Some of the locals take responsibility for the slew of bankrupt restaurants. James Island resident Nina Jackson says, “Sometimes I start to get hungry, but then I down nine beers and totally forget to eat.” The Food Network will soon film a one-hour special about James Island titled The Black Hole.

20 Comments on "James Island Celebrates 1,000th Failed Restaurant"

  1. That’s bullshit! All the pizza places on James Island ? What would you expect! Food and service has to be exceptional. None of the failures seem to bring that to the table. Young and dumb in the industry is why!!!just because you can fund a restaurant does not mean you know how to run one!!!

  2. Johns Island always welcomes new restaurants!!!

  3. Joseph Smith | January 16, 2016 at 5:47 am |

    You do realize the context of this site reflects the site itself, right? The website is fauxcountrynew and the slogan is “Fabricating Charleston news since 2016”.

  4. I think MUSC should be doing better things with my tax dollars than doing studies on James Island. How about find a cure for leukemia…!#!^&

  5. Jeezus. It’s called levity. You people are a little uptight. Are you SURE you live in the Low country?

  6. The greatest thing about this new website is not that they expertly dissect thr various idiosyncrasies of this tremendous area with Onion-like flair, it’s that so many people don’t realize yet that it’s all satire.

  7. I’m so in love with this site! The idiots that don’t get it make it that much more entertaining! More please!

  8. This is really funny! Maybe MUSC needs to do a do s study on why some James Islanders have trouble recognizing satire.

  9. Whuuuut?

  10. Apparently they don’t teach satire on “DUH ISLAND.”

  11. Maybe we need a drive thru beer mart that has pizza.

  12. It’s only funny because it’s true.

  13. Gotta do dat market resurch furst, brah!!

  14. R.T. Shepherd | April 13, 2016 at 8:13 pm |

    MUSC needs to run a study on the dangerous manner in which folks in Charleston and environs drive. A bit ago I saw a faux-driver make a U-turn on Folly Road in front of Earth Fare at the light….and the light was red! Yes, I realize that just because one’s license says “SC” doesn’t mean that one us from here. I blame Ohio “dreamers” for the influx if dopey drivers. (I’m kidding… about Ohio.)

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