The recent surge of coyote sightings on Isle of Palms has sent this normally quiet beach community into a state of panic. Earlier this week, a town forum was held to discuss how to quickly rid the island of these potentially dangerous animals and the main consensus was to use loud, irritating sounds to act as a deterrent. In the end, the IOP town council voted on the drastic measure of hosting an outdoor concert by the rock group Nickelback to drive the coyotes away.
Canadian rock group Nickelback burst onto the music scene in the early 2000’s and went to the top of the charts. After radio stations overplayed the hell out of their music their music, everyone realized their songs used the same five chords and had lyrics written by a five-year-old. Now Nickelback’s music is like nails on a chalkboard, causing any living thing to run away screaming in the opposite direction.
Isle of Palms Mayor Gwen Joyce said the drastic measure of allowing such a crappy band to perform on the island was warranted. “These wild coyotes present a dangerous threat,” said Joyce. “A God-awful Nickelback performance is the only way to drive them off the island immediately. I encourage all residents to evacuate the area so they don’t have to hear this awful music.”
The town council has requested that Nickelback play “Photograph” twelve times in a row since its mind-numbingly stupid lyrics are guaranteed to make the coyotes flee the island. IOP residents are starting to pack up and leave town so they don’t have to endure the shitty music themselves.
When asked if he was offended that his band is now being used to chase away animals, lead singer Chad Kroeger said no. “We’ve kind of pivoted into pest deterrence. Just last month, we helped Cleveland rid the city of rats. A paying gig is a paying gig.”