Instead of Fixing Traffic, Mayor Tecklenburg Will Provider Better Roadside Entertainment

When Mayor John Tecklenburg ran for office, one of the biggest campaign promises he made was finding a solution for the traffic problems that plague the Charleston area. After one week in office, he’s already determined that local road congestion is impossible to fix. To make it up to commuters, he’s going to implement a loaded roster full of top-notch talent to perform on the side of the road and entertain drivers on their way home from work.

“I thought improving rush hour was just tweaking a few traffic lights,” said Tecklenburg. “But it turns out that it’s way more complicated and expensive than that, so we decided to just distract drivers with really cool performers. At least they won’t be so pissed off during gridlock.”

The Charleston County Department of Transportation has hired a variety of entertainers to perform their acts along the shoulder of the busiest roads in the area. The list includes fire breathers, mimes, hip-hop dance crews, grizzly bear wrestlers, and many more. Chief of Operations Doug Yates said, “I’m most excited about the The Rebuts Volants. They’re acrobats who got fired from Cirque du Soleil for dropping people, but they’re still really good.”

Even Mayor Tecklenburg himself will be taking to the streets to perform. “I’ve been practicing the acoustic guitar for a couple months and can strum a couple chords,” he said. “I’m going to set up and play right on the Crosstown after work. I just taught myself Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish You Were Here.’ You wanna hear it?”

Local businesses have constructed large stages along I-526 for musical acts to perform during rush hour. To kickoff roadside music series, the Westbrook Brewery Stage will host C + C Music Factory later this month, and the Boeing Stage will host Whitesnake with special guest cage dancer Tawny Kitaen in February. The volume of cars is expected to be extremely high those days, so be sure to get on the roads early to see the show.

1 Comment on "Instead of Fixing Traffic, Mayor Tecklenburg Will Provider Better Roadside Entertainment"

  1. R.T. Shepherd | April 25, 2016 at 3:20 pm |

    Roller Derby chicks would be nice.

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