Hungover James Island Couple Keeps Record Streak of Missing Church Alive

A hungover couple on James Island kept their record-breaking streak of missing church alive on Sunday morning. Greg and Nora Howell woke up to brutal pain after consuming countless Fireball jello shots the night before and will now miss their church’s Sunday morning service for the 375th consecutive week.

The Howells joined the First Christ Assembly Church seven years ago when they moved to James Island. They attended for three weeks and abstained from alcohol, but after the temporary need to fill a personal void subsided, they went straight back to boozing and have been so hungover on Sunday mornings that they physically can’t make it to church.

Nora justified the decision to keep the streak going. “This hangover is next-level brutal. I can still taste cinnamon from the jello shots and it feels like someone is banging a mallet against my head. I also have some random upper-lip sweat going on right now. I can’t wait to get a bacon, egg, & cheese everything bagel sandwich from Bagel Nation and lay lifeless on the couch all day while hate-watching a Tiny House Hunters marathon on HGTV. I can’t stand it when people complain that a tiny house doesn’t have enough space. Fuck those people.”

Pastor James O’Brien has struggled to get the Howell couple to return to church. “We almost had them convinced to attend Easter Sunday service last year, but they started pregaming at brunch and never made it. If would be nice if they slowed down on their drinking and were a bit more functional, but we all know how people on James Island are. The church may have to implement a free cocktail hour like Embassy Suites to get them to return.”

The Howells will miss church next weekend when they rock out in Park Circle so late that Madra Rua opens up for the morning and starts showing the early soccer games in Europe. To make up for their lack of attendance, the Howells will mail a check for $500 to their church that they’ll forget to sign because they’re too drunk.

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