Seagulls are becoming scarce on Sullivan’s Island as they migrate to Folly Beach for tastier food scraps. The snacks that Sullivan’s Island locals share are usually from Whole Foods and taste like chalky dirt, which has led to seagulls exploring new areas and discovering the wealth of delicious junk food offered at Folly Beach.
Residents of Sullivan’s are confused and disappointed by the exodus of seagulls that once graced the sky of their beautiful beach properties. “I don’t get it,” said Sullivan’s Island resident Chelsea Atkins. “I walked to the beach and tossed out some nutmeg-covered beet chips for the seagulls to snack on. They backed away from them and just stared at me with a really pissed-off look, then took off and flew south.”
Clemson University Avian Biology expert Andre Dillard says seagulls hate health food just like normal people do. “Birds and humans have very similar taste buds, so it’s not surprising that seagulls have grown bored with the flavorless food the Sullivan’s Island locals share. People on Folly Beach are a little more Rock & Roll, usually snacking on a bag of Cheetos. I don’t blame the seagulls for preferring to live there.”
The Sullivan’s Island Town Council convened an emergency meeting to combat the recent loss of seagulls from their beach area. They approved a plan that will utilize a massive fertilizing truck to spray an assortment of the finest junk food available to bring the seagulls back. Town Council Member Alyssa Bromley said, “We’re going to carpet bomb the beach with a combination of Doritos, Fruity Pebbles, and mini-corndogs. It’s going to be like crack cocaine for the seagulls and they won’t be able to resist it.”
In the meantime, Sullivan’s Island has enacted measures to prevent residents from scaring away more seagulls. Police Chief Frank Palazzo said, “If you’re caught trying to feed seagulls gross health food, you’ll immediately be tazed and forced to work a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. We’re not messing around with this.”