Even though it’s only the third day of December, a Hanahan mom is already over dealing with the Elf On The Shelf crap for her children. Teresa Clark forgot to move the Elf On The Shelf last night after drinking too much wine, causing her children to think the elf had died and that they won’t be getting any Christmas presents now. Teresa is doing her best to explain her mistake away even though she’s tired of the whole thing already.
Elf On The Shelf is a manipulative holiday tradition that tricks children into pretending like they’re well-behaved leading up until Christmas morning. Each day parents move the elf doll into a new position in the house, fooling the children into believing the elf comes to life in the middle of the night and that he’ll rat the children out Santa if they act like brats. Early in December, parents stage the elf in elaborate scenes around the house. By the third week of December, parents are fed up with it and just throw the elf across the room to a new spot until it’s over. Now Teresa is already done dealing with Elf On The Shelf by day three.
Teresa ran into problems this morning when she realized she forgot to move the Elf On The Shelf to a new position. “I passed out on the couch last night after drinking too much chardonnay and watching Hallmark Christmas movies,” she said. “The kids woke up and found the elf in the exact same spot as yesterday, now they think he’s dead. I quickly told them the elf was just tired, and thankfully they bought it. This whole thing is such a pain in my ass.”
Pediatric Psychiatrist Alan Herman said the Elf On The Shelf is a massive waste of time. “Elf On The Shelf starts out well and fools kids into good behavior for a few days, but then they expect more elaborate elf scenes each morning, and pretty soon they start whining and complaining about the elf itself. We recommend you practice Krampus On The Campus instead. Put a half-goat creature doll with devil horns on your kid’s nightstand and tell them Krampus will drag them to hell for eternity if they don’t clean their rooms. It’s far more effective than the Elf On The Shelf crap.”
Teresa is expected to get fed up with Elf On The Shelf altogether and throw it in the trash. She’ll tell the kids the elf went to go live on a farm, then take them to Chick-fil-A to play on their indoor playground until they forget the elf even existed.