A 32-year-old man has decided to become a soccer fan to have something to fill the void in his personal life. Justin Ulman made the rash decision a few weeks ago when he realized he might be boring because he didn’t have any hobbies or interests. He chose soccer as his thing because he wanted to be different.
It only took Justin five minutes to pick a team to root for in the Premier League. He went with Chelsea because he likes the color blue and he owns a Samsung phone. He purchased a new jersey and a douchey striped scarf to go with it. When they arrived, he posted a selfie to Facebook stating he was a diehard Chelsea fan to the surprise of his friends.
“It’s cool he finally found something to do,” said friend Eric Tanner. “For years we’d invite him to parties and he’d just play with the cat in the corner of the room. Maybe he’ll be a little less weird now.”
On the morning of February 6th, Justin woke up early to watch the Chelsea game live at Madra Rua. After three hours of watching grown men flopping like little girls, the game ended in a 0-0 draw. Since he fully committed to the whole soccer thing, Justin pretended to enjoy it even though it was the most boring thing he’s ever watched.
Justin has already begun making the snooty comments that soccer fans make, like walking up to two people talking about Clemson football and saying, “Oh, are you talking about American Futbol?” He’s also made the ridiculous statement that soccer players are the best athletes in the world.