Thousands of Goose Creek residents poured into the local Pizza Hut Temple this morning to pray for a safe Daytona 500 race this afternoon. Greek Creecians recognize Pizza Hut as a sacred building for prayer because it’s the most historically relevant building in the city.
Today is the holy day of Daytona 500 in Goose Creek and marks the beginning of the sacred NASCAR season. Changes to the NASCAR racing format and rumors of Dale Junior retiring have brought more followers out for the ceremony than in recent years.
Self-Ordained Minister Bobby Ray Carson performed the holy ceremony and ritual for the devoted NASCAR following. “First we have a moment of silence for Dale Senior. Then everyone lines up single file to have a bite of deep dish pizza that represents the body, and a sip of Dr. Pepper which symbolizes the blood. I also paint a cross in Cheeto dust on their foreheads before they leave. This is how we please the NASCAR gods and beseech them for safe passage of our respective favorite drivers.”
Pizza Hut Manager Kelly Silva has learned to embrace the annual NASCAR holy ceremony. “They do this every year,” she said. “These rednecks pack it in and do their wacky NASCAR praying. It’s all bat shit crazy to me, but hey…they all usually buy at least one pizza and a cookie pie before they leave. It’s good for business, so I let them do it.”
Goose Creek residents will watch the Daytona 500 this afternoon while drinking copious amounts of Bud heavy. When their drivers wreck 32 laps into the race, they will get angry and start shooting junk in their backyard.