The mayor of Goose Creek proposed a new series of bike paths to connect the city’s historic vape shops. Unlike most modern cities, vape shops have been the pillar of Goose Creek’s economy and make up 85% of the city’s GDP. Now residents from near and far will be able to ride their bikes and learn about what Goose Creek is best known for.
The bike path master plan will cost five-million dollars and will require Goose Creek to cancel building three much-needed fire stations to pay for it. Local families will be able to stroll to storied shops like Vaperton, The Endowed Cloud, and Vape-Gasm, where they can blow massive plumes of steam with their children. Residents can also take a break at the pier, also known as Captain D’s, before visiting the financial district where all the payday loan businesses are.
The mayor of Goose Creek stressed the importance of the vape history greenway. “Even though the city is in massive debt, it’s important that we spend all of our taxpayer money on a bike trail that showcases Goose Creek’s history and economy. No one in the Charleston area knows how important we are. I bet most people don’t even know that Fried Kool-Aid vape juice was invented right here in Goose Creek. I can’t wait to ride my bike through our history with fellow residents. Well, I won’t really ride my bike. I’ll just take it out of the back my oversized SUV and post a selfie with it on Facebook, but my bike will be there.”
Long-time Goose Creek resident Dwight Sanders expressed his doubts about the new bike path. “I’m never gonna ride my bike on that shit. If I’m not working at the Boeing plant, you can find my doing one of two things: Chasing pussy at Sapphires or smoking Camel Menthol 100’s while watching a Duck Dynasty marathon.”
City Councilman Bill Chase shared the town council’s secrets to keeping Goose Creek the way it is. “It’s not easy gaslighting an entire city, but we’ve become very good at it. It starts with pretending to care about the things residents really want, like nice restaurants and jobs, and delivering absolutely none of it. Then we scare residents by telling them we’re not ready for that type of growth, and we repeat the process. These residents fall for it over and over again. I swear to God…you could probably stay in office for 40 years in this town if you wanted to.”
The mayor will later make outrageous claims like Goose Creek is the most historically relevant city in all of South Carolina, which will be refuted by literally every single history expert in the state. The new bike path will also assist meth dealers with making more timely deliveries throughout the city.