A Goose Creek man has established an unhealthy relationship with the ducks in the pond behind his home. Kevin Rollins became infatuated with the ducks after they built a nest, and now that little ducklings have hatched, it’s ballooned into a full-blown obsession affecting every aspect of his life.
Kevin has been feeding the ducks three times a day and has set up an outdoor streaming camera so he can monitor them while he’s at work. His fixation with the ducks escalated to the next level when he named them all and advanced to giving them cutesy nicknames shortly after.
Kevin’s wife is ready to move to get away from the pond. “I’m over the ducks,” she said. “Last night I asked Kevin if he wanted to have sex, and he wasn’t in the mood because he was worried about a gator getting the ducklings while they were sleeping. I guess I need to use the massager until the ducks go away.”
Kevin’s neighbor Frank has grown tired of the duck-related posts on the neighborhood Facebook page. “We don’t need updates on the ducks morning, noon, and night,” he said. “God forbid you drive by the pond too fast. He’ll call you out and publicly shame you. They’re just ducks! Get a life, Kevin!”
Kevin’s relationship with the ducks will hit tough times when he invites them into the house for dinner and they destroy the entire living room. He will experience utter devastation when the ducks migrate to the pond down the street after a child lures them away with Lucky Charms cereal.