Goose Creek residents are in crisis this morning after Tropical Storm Hermine caused city-wide power outages that allowed their Mountain Dew supplies to become warm. Refrigerators and ice-makers were out of commission long enough to bring the highly-coveted beverage to room temperature, resulting in mass panic and looting.
The crisis was only worsened by widespread rumors saying that once Mountain Dew has been cooled and becomes warm again, it’s permanently spoiled and toxic. There were also reports that ingesting above-temperature Mountain Dew could result in someone becoming pregnant with a Chupacabra baby. Panic ensued and residents took to the streets to loot the local Walmart and all surrounding convenience stores, battling for the last remaining cases of fresh Mountain Dew.
Goose Creek resident Rebecca Hartman is terrified by the Mountain Dew shortage. “All the stores for miles have been cleaned out and I have nothing left to drink,” she said. “I don’t want to drink the poisoned Dew at my house. I can’t raise a Chupacabra baby all by myself. Please help us! We need cold Dew now!”
Criminals are taking advantage of the crisis by selling fake Mountain Dew on the black market. A recent victim of the scam said, “I paid fifty bucks for a two-liter bottle of Dew even though the bottle didn’t look quite right. As soon as I took a sip, I knew it was Fresca. It was so horrifying and average.”
Mayor Michael Heitzler has declared Martial Law and installed a curfew until order has been restored. Local Health Official Heather Morrison said, “Warm Mountain Dew isn’t spoiled. I don’t think people realize they can just put it back in the fridge,” she said. “It will get cold in like an hour or two and it will be fine to drink. Or better yet, have a glass of water.”