A seven-year-old West Ashley girl is the favorite to win her dad’s March Madness bracket pool again by selecting her favorite mascots. Whitney Kirkman selected the most winning teams in her bracket last year even having never even watched a single college basketball game. She’s researching the field of teams this week to determine which mascots are the cutest to make her final selections.
“I’m totes ready to win again this year,” said Whitney. “That Oregon Duck is adorbs, but that Baylor Bear looks so cuddly. The Providence Friar is the hella-creepy, so I have them going down in the first round.”
Last year Whitney spent her $725 winnings on an over-sized inflatable water slide for the backyard. If she wins again this year, she plans to buy a commercial-grade jump castle to expand her inflatable empire.
Whitney’s father Todd Kirkman watched 374 hours of college basketball this season to make sure he doesn’t lose to his daughter again. “Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is be trashed talked on the bracket pool message board by your first-grade daughter? She said my bracket smelled like donkey farts. I won’t let that happen again this year.”
Bracketologist Jerome Anderson said the mascot system is just as effective as any other method. “Statistically speaking, it’s virtually impossible to pick a perfect bracket, so when someone claims to be an expert on how the tournament will play out, they’re completely full of shit. March Madness is straight-up cray cray.”
Whitney plans to spend the majority of her time during March Madness by playing games on her mom’s iPhone and jumping on the neighbor’s trampoline. Her long-term goal is to study to become a doctor to find a cure for cooties.