Beach season is right around the corner and will be here before you know it. If you frequent Folly Beach or Isle of Palms, it’s time to start getting that beach body ready. Picking the right diet for you can be quite the challenge, but Fauxcountry News has your back! Here’s five new innovative diets that everyone is raving about.
#1. The Cocaine Lover’s Diet – Losing weight is all about revving up your metabolism, and there’s no better way to do that than using a Class A narcotic stimulant–Cocaine! Snort a couple lines, then burn those calories off by dancing furiously to Uptown Funk on repeat and talking about high school until 5am. When it comes time to purchase food at the grocery store, your checking account will be overdrawn and you won’t be able to eat those extra calories even if you wanted to.
#2. The Don’t Eat Anything That Ever Lived Diet – Does eating meat make you feel guilty about hurting animals? Try the Don’t Eat Anything That Ever Lived Diet, which forbids eating any animal, plant or microorganism that has ever lived. Have fun asserting your moral superiority over your meat-eating friends as you indulge in microbe-free dirt and leftover rain water. You’ll be seeing your neck bones bulge out in no time!
#3. The Advanced Calculus Diet – Everyone knows a healthy meal requires the right ratios of carbs, proteins and fats, but are you wasting your time with simple ratios of the three? Try the Advanced Calculus Diet, which utilizes a series of overly-complex expert-level math formulas to target in on your correct food ratios. You’ll need to hire a full-time mathematician to crunch the numbers for you, but you’ll be so confused by the whole process, you’ll forget to eat altogether!
#4. The Donald Trump Diet – Are you tired of love handles and minorities? Try the Donald Trump Diet! Focus your misplaced rage on enjoying food that wasn’t imported or touched by anyone whose heritage can’t be traced back to the Mayflower. Since this will eliminate 99.9% of the food supply, you’ll enjoy making your abs and America great again!
#5. The PBR Diet – Are you fretting about quitting booze while you diet? Then try the Pabst Blue Ribbon Diet! Enjoy all the PBR you can drink throughout the day and eat a sensible dinner. Each morning you’ll wake up with blowout diarrhea and won’t even think about touching food until evening rolls around, when you pop open a new can of PBR. You’ll be the skinniest hipster at the beach! (if you aren’t too cool for it)