A Summerville family is having top secret discussions to devise a contingency plan for when grandma overcooks the turkey again. The Muldrow family has been dealing with progressively drier turkeys for the last decade. Grandma always insists on cooking the bird despite slowing losing her mind every year. Now the family is scrambling to see what restaurants are still open today.
Even though Thanksgiving dinner is planned for 3pm, grandma woke up at 4am to put the 18 pound turkey in the oven. This will put it on target to be overcooked by a full five hours by serving time. When the family tried to suggest the bird was going to cook too long, grandma smacked them with a wooden spoon and told them to get out of the kitchen.
Teenage daughter Jenny Muldrow warned that the overcooked turkey is nothing to joke about. “The moment you bite into the turkey, it sucks all the moisture out of your month like you’re chewing on super-absorbent sawdust. I would have choked to death last year if it wasn’t for a glass of water being in arm’s reach. Grandma’s turkey is too dangerous for human consumption.”
Mom Stephanie Muldrow reminisced about the last time they enjoyed a moist turkey on Thanksgiving. “I remember it vividly,” she said. “It was 2005. The kids were watching Shrek 2 on DVD, Peter was texting on his Blackberry, and I was playing the Black Eyed Peas on my iPod Nano. That was the last time we enjoyed a good turkey dinner. It was so moist and delicious. I miss it so much!” Stephanie then wept into her hands.
The family will attempt to feed grandma’s bone-dry turkey to the dog under the table, but the dog is expected to avoid it as well. After grandma falls asleep at 7pm for the night with her space heater on high in the bedroom, the rest of the family will sneak out to get dinner at Waffle House.