The lowcountry’s most-respected scientists have released a new study that shows West Ashley will most-likely smell like weed for another thirty years. The study is a result of atmospheric readings, air quality samples, and resident surveys. All of their data points to West Ashley smelling like that skunky pine for years to come.
West Ashley resident Jennifer Halsey explained the stench that permeates through West Ashley. “It’s just a way of life here. You go to pick up groceries, you smell bud. Take the dogs to the park? It wreaks of sweet vanilla blunt. Even when I go to church, I smell that dope reefer tickling my nose. Everybody’s getting high is West Ashley.”
Dr. Allen Crowder explained the immovable weed smog that covers the area. “It’s the densest marijuana cloud we’ve ever seen. Even if everyone in West Ashley stopped smoking weed tomorrow, it would still take 30 years for that dank bud stank to dissipate. Literally, everyone is getting high in West Ashley every day. There just isn’t enough time for the air to clear out.”
West Ashley Sheriff James Stevens said it’s difficult to make drug busts when everyone is blazing at all times. “When I pull someone over, it’s hard to tell if that weed smell is from their car, or just flowing out of the nearby apartment complex. Hell, half of the time, I’m high as a kite, so I’m paranoid that I smell like it. That’s just how we roll in West Ashley.”
Mayor Tecklenburg will be proposing giant electric-powered fans to help blow the weed smoke away from West Ashley, but local residents will quickly find a way to turn it into a massive bong.