An organized militia hailing from the lands of the eastern region of West Ashley has announced their plans to secede from the union and declare their own sovereignty. East Ashley is tired of the continued new home construction in the west which has made traffic a complete nightmare in recent years.
From this day forward, I-526 will be known as the Mason-Brickson line, demarcating the beginning of East Ashley, where there is an abundance of brick, ranch style homes. A miles-lone barricade is being created to force all West Ashley traffic into Johns Island or North Charleston. East Ashley has established a headquarters at Mex 1, where generals can draw up battle plans while enjoying delicious tacos and margaritas.
East Ashley supporter Jane Zimmer said it’s about time this happened. “We have all the good stuff in the east, so why do we even need the west?” she said. “All they have over there are homes with no character and ridiculous traffic which is spilling over to our lands. It ain’t fair and we’re not going to stand for it!”
An emergency militia has been formed in West Ashley in an effort to defeat the east and regain control of their entire region. West Ashley General Peter Cavner said, “We will soon launch an offensive to extinguish the East’s war of aggression, but right now our primary focus is regaining access to the Total Wine store on Ashley River Road. If we can’t buy large volumes of wine at a good price, the West Ashley women will become restless and may defect to East Ashley.”
If the rhetoric doesn’t stop and tensions continued to rise, the Battle of Best Buy is expected to begin this Thursday. No civilians are expected to be hurt, because no one goes to Best Buy anymore. West Ashley hopes to break through the East’s lines to capture the Total Wine and begin planning for the Battle of Burlington Coat Factory.