Sullivan’s Island officials are warning locals that drastic wiener shrinkage is predicted for today’s Polar Plunge event. Colder-than-normal water temps will wreak havoc on men’s junk size all afternoon. Men are encouraged to wear loose-fitting swimsuits and have sweatpants readily available at all times.
The Polar Plunge is an annual event on Sullivan’s Island every January 1st for people to drink through their New Year’s Eve hangovers and jump into the frigid ocean water. Men have never had to worry about shrinkage with warmer water temps in previous events, but this year is different. Male self-consciousness is expected to be at record-high levels all afternoon.
Local Peniorologist Margaret Maddox said, “Our Cocklar 3000 Radar is predicting at least two and a half inches of shrinkage per wiener today, and expect lots of dudes to hold backpacks in front of their crotches until their mule gets back up to normal temperature. Be careful out there.”
Local Peter Halloran is nervous about the cold water shrinking his privates today. “It’s a perfect recipe for disaster,” he said. “The water is ice cold and chicks are posting pictures to Instagram non-stop. One pic of my junk at the wrong time and it will be immortalized on social media. I need to stay vigilant.”
The guy who foolishly wears a speedo will desperately try to explain the cold shrinkage factor to his female friends after he gets out of the water. The Red Cross is on alert to provide heavy flannel boxer briefs if necessary.
Serious Note: The Polar Plunge is a great event that raises lots of money for The Special Olympics of South Carolina. Please donate a few bucks at the link below. Thanks!