Downtown Millennial Warns Parents of 2nd Quarter Earnings Miss

A 24-year-old downtown resident warned her parents of lower-than-projected earnings for the 2nd quarter of the current fiscal year. Lindsay Dormer provided the earnings guidance update on a tense phone call with her primary shareholders, parents Ron and Jan Dormer.

Over-consumption of Fireball shots at bars and an unexpected credit card roulette loss were the main reasons for higher-than-normal expenses in the current operating period. She also acquired a new dress from White House Black Market on a whim that wasn’t budgeted for because it looked cute on her. Lindsay is expected to ask her parents for a cash infusion so she can pay her electric bill.

Lindsay tried to downplay the earnings shortfall. “The pressure to keep up with my peers on the social scene is intense,” she said. “But I plan to stay home and binge watch Netflix and Amazon Prime for most of the 3rd quarter, so cash levels should be increasing.” Lindsay has also been Googling about how much money you can earn from donating plasma.

Lindsay’s father expressed disappointment in her poor cash flow controls. “I paid eighty grand for her to go to college and she’s still asking for money,” he said. “You can’t party like a rock star every night when you work at a frozen yogurt store. This is what happens when you let you kid major in Communications.”

Lindsay’s parents will be holding an emergency board meeting at IHOP in the morning to discuss what measures will be taken to rein in spending, including a possible hostile takeover of her finances. They’re also discussing making her move back home with them so they can encourage a merger with the nice Baxter boy down the street who just got his engineering degree.

2 Comments on "Downtown Millennial Warns Parents of 2nd Quarter Earnings Miss"

  1. Hilarious.

  2. R.T. Shepherd | June 22, 2016 at 12:01 pm |

    Poor gal has a thought loss problem with no quarter. So funny!

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