A large group of boaters at Capers Island were disrupted today by a douchebag on a jet ski. Paul “Turbo” Evans roared in to the relatively calm area where the boaters were relaxing, entering at an excessive speed and coming to an unnecessarily dangerous stop. Now Turbo is killing the vibe, and everyone can’t wait until he leaves.
Turbo immediately took his life jacket off so everyone could see his tanning-booth-dark skin and ridiculous tribal tattoos. After turning up his techno music to full volume, he removed a handle of Fireball Whisky from his jet ski’s storage compartment and chugged a few gulps directly from it. Turbo became irritated when everyone around him turned down his offer to chug shots with him.
Boater Jeanette Downes was devastated when Turbo arrived. “We were sipping on cold beers and chilling out to Zac Brown Band, and this loser totally ruined it. It’s like he traveled in a time machine from the year 2001 and is trying way too hard to be cool. I’m not putting my mouth on that handle of Fireball. Who knows where his mouth has been. I can’t wait until he leaves so we can go back to enjoying ourselves.”
Turbo was frustrated that no one wanted to party with him. “I came here to rock out, and all these stuck-up weirdos are acting like it’s a library around here. These lame-ass losers are too scared to drink a real man’s alcohol with me, and no one wants to dance to my techno jams. Screw this—I’m bolting from this boring-ass island.”
Turbo will do an excessive amount of water donuts on his way out to make sure everyone knows how badass he is. He’ll then head over to Henry’s at the downtown market and go home with a trashy girl visiting from Florida.