The Charleston Department of Transportation issued a recommendation to Johns Island residents today that suggests they complete their daily commutes between midnight and 2am to avoid traffic. The time guidance is being offered as a permanent solution to the nightmare traffic problem that has made local residents cry oceans of tears on their steering wheels each day.
Johns Island is the least-appreciated borough of Charleston and only has a fraction of the transportation infrastructure it really needs. Instead of investing in proper roadways to move high-volumes of Johns Island residents each day, the city pours millions of dollars into flooding projects that don’t go anywhere. The DOT has offered the new driving suggestions because they’re sick of hearing complaints and don’t feel like dealing with it.
DOT Senior Director James Yates explained the benefits of the recommendation. “If Johns Island residents could get their work commute, school travel, and shopping done between midnight and 2am, it would be best. Those are the only two hours of the day that aren’t currently plagued by gridlock traffic. We don’t have the money to properly fix the roads, and we’re sure as hell not extending I-526 anytime soon. The locals will just need to adapt to their new condensed lifestyle.”
Johns Island resident Angela Krause vented about driving on Johns Island. “My soul is slowly dying every day on this God forsaken island of stagnation. I literally spend half of my existence motionless on a two-lane road. We could have bought a house on James Island by the connector, but my dumbass husband wanted new construction, so we’re stuck in traffic purgatory for eternity. Jesus, take me now.”
Johns Island’s traffic will worsen later this year when a greedy real estate asshole bribes a corrupt local official into approving the construction of 1,200 new homes in the area. Residents will then discover it’s faster to swim to work than driving.