DOT Recommends Johns Island Residents Commute Between Midnight & 2am to Avoid Traffic

The Charleston Department of Transportation issued a recommendation to Johns Island residents today that suggests they complete their daily commutes between midnight and 2am to avoid traffic. The time guidance is being offered as a permanent solution to the nightmare traffic problem that has made local residents cry oceans of tears on their steering wheels each day.

Johns Island is the least-appreciated borough of Charleston and only has a fraction of the transportation infrastructure it really needs. Instead of investing in proper roadways to move high-volumes of Johns Island residents each day, the city pours millions of dollars into flooding projects that don’t go anywhere. The DOT has offered the new driving suggestions because they’re sick of hearing complaints and don’t feel like dealing with it.

DOT Senior Director James Yates explained the benefits of the recommendation. “If Johns Island residents could get their work commute, school travel, and shopping done between midnight and 2am, it would be best. Those are the only two hours of the day that aren’t currently plagued by gridlock traffic. We don’t have the money to properly fix the roads, and we’re sure as hell not extending I-526 anytime soon. The locals will just need to adapt to their new condensed lifestyle.”

Johns Island resident Angela Krause vented about driving on Johns Island. “My soul is slowly dying every day on this God forsaken island of stagnation. I literally spend half of my existence motionless on a two-lane road. We could have bought a house on James Island by the connector, but my dumbass husband wanted new construction, so we’re stuck in traffic purgatory for eternity. Jesus, take me now.”

Johns Island’s traffic will worsen later this year when a greedy real estate asshole bribes a corrupt local official into approving the construction of 1,200 new homes in the area. Residents will then discover it’s faster to swim to work than driving.

11 Comments on "DOT Recommends Johns Island Residents Commute Between Midnight & 2am to Avoid Traffic"

  1. Has the DOT idiots completely lost their minds. That is the stupidest thing I have heard in quite some time.

  2. Maybe someone can start a ferry boat for cars to get across the Stono! It would be more pleasant and just as fast!

  3. How can we commute at this time when the rest of the world works on the normal 9-5 schedule?

  4. Louise M. Lazzarini | March 9, 2018 at 1:04 pm | Reply

    DOT Senior Director James Yates needs to find a new job. Come sit down here in the traffic for a couple of days. Bet you could come up with some money real fast.

  5. Martha Gardner | March 9, 2018 at 2:49 pm | Reply

    Why does.t someone stop this greedy dorsal estate developer? What happens if we have another HUGO? How will we get off of JAMES ISLA ND OR JOHNS ISLAND.

  6. Randall Shepherd | March 10, 2018 at 12:39 pm | Reply

    This is why the eggheads make the big money.

  7. Catherine Olivia Teseniar | March 10, 2018 at 2:20 pm | Reply

    New homes are about to be built on Mclernon Trace in Marshview Commons on Johns Island. I have seen with my owns eyes, that land completely submerge under water, twice! The land is marsh .Street lamps have fallen over in the soft ground. Why is the mayor allowing this?

  8. Hey DOT, Most normal people are in bed at that time. What dolt came up with that brilliant suggestion? People have families and homes to go to, ever hear of dinner and homework? Stop the development and FIX OUR ROADS FIRST!

  9. Freaking ass####’s
    How can thet design so many roads to just bottleneck traffic. Lmao pave a road dont help our issues with traffic wait till 526 comes then will take hours to get anywhere off island fools

  10. Y’all do realize this is a satirical article, right??

  11. Faux News! LOL!

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