DOT Officials are “Like 50% Sure” the Wando Bridge Won’t Collapse

DOT officials announced today that they’re “like 50% sure” the Wando Bridge won’t collapse anytime soon. Mt. Pleasant descended into chaos when a safety support cable snapped on the Wando Bridge, forcing the closure of the I-526 westbound lanes. Now all Mt. Pleasant residents’ personal time is totally fucked for the next four weeks while they’re stuck in apocalyptic traffic, especially the poor soul who lives on Long Point Road and works at BenefitFocus on Daniel Island (wow…that really sucks for you).

With the closure of I-526, the DOT has recommended three named detours for commuters to choose from to reach their westbound destinations. The “Fuck My Life” route takes you up Highway 41 and connects you with Clements Ferry. The “Non-Stop Repetitive Kicks to the Dick” route takes you straight down Highway 17 to the Cooper River Bridge. And the Chuck Dawley to Coleman Boulevard route is called the “Might as Well Stop and Have Beer at Red’s Icehouse Because This Shit Show is Totally FUBAR.”

DOT Safety Official Denny Sparks assured local residents of their safety. “We’re kinda sure we have a 50% chance of the Wando Bridge not falling into the water. We may ban all SUVs and limit travel to motorized scooters only to improve our odds. Everyone just has to trust us. We’re the people who decided to build only two lanes when we made I-526. We know exactly what we’re talking about when it comes to smart transportation infrastructure in the lowcountry.”

A local catholic church has been distributing rations of marijuana cigarettes to help those affected by the horrible traffic. Sister Mary Catherine said, “In desperate times like these, we need to avoid anger and love our fellow commuters, which is why we’re handing out fatly-rolled joints to anyone who needs to spark up and chill. It’s hard to get mad at others when you’re high as balls. God intended for us to smoke weed and be happy, otherwise he wouldn’t have intelligently created the marijuana plant for us. Amen”

When a new large crack forms in the Wando Bridge, DOT safety officials will google “bridge cracks” on their phones. No one will be surprised when multiple people get fired for hiding the fact that the Wando Bridge was being inspected weekly for years over serious safety concerns without the general public’s knowledge.




7 Comments on "DOT Officials are “Like 50% Sure” the Wando Bridge Won’t Collapse"

  1. Rad Davidovich | May 17, 2018 at 4:27 pm | Reply

    This is what happens when Clemson & USC educated enjineers design a bridge. The designers based their design on their 3rd place finishing matchstick bridge, which supported a nearly full can of Bud Light. Of course, they may have cut some corners when they were working, because they were not happy at the time, only making minimum wage…not the “$8/hr that they deserved”.

    Truly…South Carolina deserves this fate. Between electing thieving politicians and people unwilling to pay a $.01 gas tax to provide funds for better roads because “we already pay too much in taxes”, we are screwed.

    • Think lead engineer graduated from the Citadel but maybe you don’t care about facts. Are you from off?

      • Rad Davidovich | May 21, 2018 at 8:13 am | Reply

        Actually, I don’t know (or care) who designed the bridge. I am indicting any and all products of the SC ejacational system. I’m sure common core math skillz are involved somewhere down the line.

  2. Jerry Morrison | May 17, 2018 at 7:45 pm | Reply

    Perhaps it is time to move the Wando Terminal to the old navy base in North Charleston where it should have been located in the first place. Getting all those semis off the Wando would increase its life span 10-fold, not to mention that Mt. P. gets nothing from the SPA excepts headaches from all the truck traffic.

  3. Shut Up Rad | May 18, 2018 at 8:35 am | Reply

    Bridge was designed out of Tallahassee, Go Noles!

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