DOT officials announced today that they’re “like 50% sure” the Wando Bridge won’t collapse anytime soon. Mt. Pleasant descended into chaos when a safety support cable snapped on the Wando Bridge, forcing the closure of the I-526 westbound lanes. Now all Mt. Pleasant residents’ personal time is totally fucked for the next four weeks while they’re stuck in apocalyptic traffic, especially the poor soul who lives on Long Point Road and works at BenefitFocus on Daniel Island (wow…that really sucks for you).
With the closure of I-526, the DOT has recommended three named detours for commuters to choose from to reach their westbound destinations. The “Fuck My Life” route takes you up Highway 41 and connects you with Clements Ferry. The “Non-Stop Repetitive Kicks to the Dick” route takes you straight down Highway 17 to the Cooper River Bridge. And the Chuck Dawley to Coleman Boulevard route is called the “Might as Well Stop and Have Beer at Red’s Icehouse Because This Shit Show is Totally FUBAR.”
DOT Safety Official Denny Sparks assured local residents of their safety. “We’re kinda sure we have a 50% chance of the Wando Bridge not falling into the water. We may ban all SUVs and limit travel to motorized scooters only to improve our odds. Everyone just has to trust us. We’re the people who decided to build only two lanes when we made I-526. We know exactly what we’re talking about when it comes to smart transportation infrastructure in the lowcountry.”
A local catholic church has been distributing rations of marijuana cigarettes to help those affected by the horrible traffic. Sister Mary Catherine said, “In desperate times like these, we need to avoid anger and love our fellow commuters, which is why we’re handing out fatly-rolled joints to anyone who needs to spark up and chill. It’s hard to get mad at others when you’re high as balls. God intended for us to smoke weed and be happy, otherwise he wouldn’t have intelligently created the marijuana plant for us. Amen”
When a new large crack forms in the Wando Bridge, DOT safety officials will google “bridge cracks” on their phones. No one will be surprised when multiple people get fired for hiding the fact that the Wando Bridge was being inspected weekly for years over serious safety concerns without the general public’s knowledge.