Doping Scandal Rocks Backyard Cornhole Game

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A cornhole game in West Ashley came to a grinding halt yesterday when it was discovered that the winning team had been taking performance enhancing drugs. Wes and Carl had won seven consecutive games of cornhole before questions began to mount about their too-good-to-be true performance, leading to an investigation. When news of the cheating scandal broke, an intense argument broke out over who should have next game.

An investigation led by disgruntled cornhole losers revealed a system-wide doping operation that involved Wes and Carl’s girlfriends. Whenever the guys went to get another beer from the keg, the girlfriends would pass them a special beer spiked with Adderall through a hole in the wall. By continuously feeding the stimulant into their systems, the two were able to hit numerous clutch shots with razor-sharp focus.

Performance Scientist Catherine Thurmond said the effects of taking Adderall can give you quite a boost. “It’s essentially taking speed that you get from a pharmacy,” she said. “It gives you incredible focus and enhances your senses. It also keeps you from falling asleep, so you can stay wide awake while you hide outside your ex-boyfriend’s bedroom window to make sure he’s not banging his super slutty physical trainer. I mean…from what I’ve heard, of course.”

Party attendee Heather Gomez says she knew they were doping all along. “They’ve had shaky hands and bugged-out eyes all day,” she said. “And they were hitting nothing but hole with beers in their hands the whole time. It’s no mystery that they were cheating.”

Party organizer Dan Pruitt has made the decision to void all of Wes and Carl’s victories at the party, and is strongly considering banning the duo from all cornhole competition activities at his house for the next six months. In the end, the party guests’ main concerns were if Wes and Carl had any Adderall leftover for them.




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