The Daniel Island Police Department has warned residents that teenage consumption of blue-collar beer is on the rise. Daniel Island officials are concerned if local teens continue to drink awful beer, they’ll abandon their life of privilege and enter the manual labor workforce. Authorities are scrambling to eliminate the threat before it gets out of control.
Daniel Island Police Chief Howard Duncan said, “Yesterday we searched a local teenager’s car and confiscated three cases of Milwaukee’s Best Light. We immediately poured it down the drain for public safety and cited the teens for Underage Possession of Crappy Beer. It’s important to discuss the dangers of blue-collar beers with your teenagers before they start drinking PBR and end up living in West Ashley with neck tattoos.”
Daniel Island resident Diane Freeman lost her son Jeremy to blue-collar beer five years ago. “We didn’t see it coming,” she said. “At first, he started wearing a Miller High Life trucker cap, and we thought it was ironic. You know…like, ‘Who on earth would want to drink that dog piss beer?’ But then we discovered he actually enjoyed it. Now he’s living in Pittsburgh and working part-time as a bicycle mechanic. If only I had talked to him earlier and shown him the value of a craft rye IPA. Maybe he’d still be here on Daniel Island and working for his father in finance.”
Local brewery owner Peter Thompson has been trying to bring awareness of quality beer to the area for years. “We suspect local young adults are pretending to like shitty beer just to impress their hipster friends,” he said. “There’s no other rational explanation for it. We’re making all this awesome craft beer right next door, yet they insist on drinking that flavorless, carbonated garbage run-off. You can only bring a horse to water, I guess.”
A new Daniel Island group, MABB (Mothers Against Bad Beer), has been formed to combat blue-collar beer and its influence on the community. They hope they can positively impact their teenagers’ beer tastes early on so they can grow up to become successful beer snobs later in life.