The Daniel Island Department of Public Safety raised the threat level to orange this morning when an unidentified male was spotted on the island wearing jean shorts. Women ushered their children into their homes and men forced themselves to stop playing golf after only nine holes as a safety precaution.
Male jean shorts, also known as Jorts, are a fashion trend from Canada, where people have no problem wearing head-to-toe denim. Daniel Island banned jorts in the 1990s when parents feared their children might wear them and end up working in food and bev into their 30’s. Safety officials implemented the Jorts Threat Alert System to warn parents and get their loved ones away from the horrific sight of short denim bottoms.
Daniel Island resident Whitney Newton expressed her concern about the jorts threat. “My boys only wear Vinyard Vines, Brooks Brothers, and Lacoste. I can’t have them being exposed to jorts. What if my kids see that and want to start shopping at Wal-Mart? It would be devastating!”
Daniel Island Public Safety Officer Russ Reilly urged residents not to panic. “Please stay inside with your doors locked and blinds closed. Don’t interact with the jorts wearer. Getting near him could be dangerous, especially on a hot day like today, because we all know jorts don’t breathe, and whoever is invading our community is probably rocking some swamp-ass today.”
Daniel Island will raise the threat level to red when witnesses report the man’s jorts having side cargo pockets as well. Daniel Island police will use large nets to capture the jorts-wearing-man and safely release him back into the wild in Goose Creek.