Comcast Customer Service Now The Leading Cause of Sudden Death In The Lowcountry

Comcast’s customer service department has now replaced heart disease as the leading cause of sudden death in the Lowcountry. Customers who call Comcast to make simple changes to their service packages are forced to listen to cantankerous idiots as they issue absurd rebuttals and stall tactics until the stress causes an artery to rupture in the customer’s brain.

Director of County Health Minerva Stenson is imploring Charleston residents not to call Comcast or they might suffer the deadly consequences. “It’s too much stress for the human brain to handle,” said Stenson. “A healthy person can only process so much incompetence and lies about their bundle before extreme anger takes over and kills them. If your Comcast bundle is even remotely close to what you want, just leave it alone and live with it. Any attempt to makes changes to your service could be deadly.”

Local resident Dustin O’Connor just barely survived a Comcast-related stroke earlier this month. “I just called to cancel Showtime,” he said. “I wanted to keep everything else on my package the same. Two hours later, the arrogant Comcast rep was still trying to sell me phone service I didn’t need, and he ended up putting on my account anyway. The world went black and the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.” Dustin is now at a rehab facility where patients are only allowed access to DirecTV and Home Telecom internet so they can slowly adjust to home services that work properly with friendly customer service supporting them.

Comcast says their customer service is definitely not the problem. “At Comcast, we define good customer service as meeting our sales goals at all costs. If it means confusing, frustrating, and lying to customers to get what we want, we’re going to do it, because that’s what good customer service is all about.”

There are telltale signs if someone is about to suffer a Comcast-induced death. First, they’ll be on the phone for forty five minutes before speaking with someone. Then you’ll hear them vigorously deny extra services being offered to them, even though they’re calling to remove something. After being transferred to three different departments and never getting what they actually called for, their eyes will start to flutter and it’s only a matter of minutes before they stroke out.

2 Comments on "Comcast Customer Service Now The Leading Cause of Sudden Death In The Lowcountry"

  1. Comcast had blood on their hands.

  2. R.T. Shepherd | April 30, 2016 at 1:45 pm |

    Thank the gods for YouTube.

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