West Ashley children are drawing up plans for an all-out toilet paper assault on the house in their neighborhood that gave out celery sticks to trick-or-treaters. Dr. Alan Stephens got on his moral high horse last night and gave out freshly cut vegetables to protest how much sugar kids ingest. Unbeknownst to him, his plan to get kids to eat Paleo is going to backfire severely.
The children have been drawing up a strategy with crayons and markers all day. The goal is a maximum output of toilet paper coverage in a short amount of time so Dr. Stephens learns his lesson. The children will be hopped up Mini-Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups they got from cool houses to accomplish their assault quickly and efficiently.
8-year-old Erica Cyrus was dumbfounded when Dr. Stephens presented her and her friends with a tray of celery sticks in Ziploc bags. “At first I thought he was joking with us,” she said. “Then he dropped them into our pillow cases, and we were like ‘Are you serious, bro?’ We can’t let him get away with this. Let it be known in this neighborhood… either give us that chocolate gold, or we’re going to TP your house like a boss.”
Police Chief Frank Murray said this type of situation is completely avoidable “It’s pretty simple…don’t be a dumbass and give out vegetables on Halloween night,” he said. “No one cares how strict your diet is. You’re just being a buzzkill and putting a target on your house for toilet paper and eggs. Do yourself a favor and hand out the good stuff on Halloween night.”
Dr. Stephens will be forced to skip his morning cross-fit workout to remove all the toilet paper from his trees. His yard is expected to get TP’d again by neighboring adults after he brings gluten, sugar & alcohol-free egg nog to the neighborhood Christmas party.