The lowcountry descended into chaos today as local residents prepared for the potential end-of-the-world event of getting one inch of snow. Intense panic created a run on food and supplies even though the snow that falls will most likely melt within an hour. Residents are hunkering down and Googling ‘how to drive in snow.’
Local meteorologists are calling it Snow-Mageddon–a once-every-few-years minor snow storm that makes local Charleston residents lose their minds. Local Emergency Management Director Anthony Scarino said, “Every just needs to chill out. It’s just an inch of snow. Don’t be one of those A-holes who runs out and buys ten cases of bottled water from Wal-Mart and tries to return them the day after the storm.”
Stay-at-home mom Jenny Patson broke from her normal attention seeking behavior on the neighborhood Facebook page and began rapidly sharing every single weather update in real time. “Oh my God, y’all. What are we gonna do? I can’t even. I mean, like…real snow? That’s frozen water from the sky. This is really bad. Please pray for me, y’all.”
Local resident Jeremy Donahue was faced with tough choices ahead of Snow-Mageddon. “I may be forced to eat the old can of soup in the back of my pantry for lunch. If I want to go to the store, I’d have to get my heavy coat out of the attic and I don’t feel like doing that right now. I guess it’s Healthy Choice ham and split pea soup for me today.”
Charleston Mayor John Tecklenburg encouraged everyone to stay strong as they endure the deluge of overdone milk & bread memes flooding into their Facebook feeds over the next 48 hours. Residents are instructed to stay indoors and binge-watch Mindhunter on Netflix until the storm passes.