Charleston Man Arrested For Operating a Craft Brewery Without a Beard

A Charleston man is under arrest this morning after police determined he was operating a craft brewery without a beard. Adam Hawkins was swarmed by the SWAT team and placed into custody, where he’ll be deprived of a razor, forced to wear hipster clothing, and ride a beach cruiser bicycle until he’s ready to operate his brewery under the proper codes.

Adam’s craft brewery opened its doors only seven days ago before word of his criminal behavior began to spread. In addition to violating the Charleston brew master code by being showered and shaven every day to greet customers, his brewery was also built without a trust fund. Other local brewers immediately notified authorities and a sting was planned once sufficient evidence of the violations was gathered.

Charleston Police Chief Tim Nagen was disturbed by the severity of the crime. “We’ve never seen such a blatant attempt to violate local beer laws,” he said. “Not only did he not have a beard, but he wasn’t wearing a V-neck t-shirt either. How audacious can you be?”

Adam was confused by his arrest. “I just wanted to create simple beers people would enjoy,” he said. “I’m being punished for not being like everyone else and brewing a caramel macchiato turbo stout that’s been tripled hopped by a street busker, infused with local sustainable bacon, then fermented in a barrel constructed from the reclaimed wood of a historic church, and stirred with a Malaysian orangutan foot for an Asian essence. What the fuck are you supposed to pair that with?”

Adam will be ordered to grow a beard and perform 80 hours of bar service in his craft brewery’s tasting room, where he’ll roll his eyes when people don’t order fast enough then become irritated when they ask him what a Gose is.




46 Comments on "Charleston Man Arrested For Operating a Craft Brewery Without a Beard"

  1. I would love to try his caramel macchiato turbo stout. But I question whether the infused Bacon is really sustainable.

    • Is this news real, or what? If it isn’t, then this guy is presumably still running around, free as a bird + making a mockery of beer laws that are put in place with everyone’s best interests at heart.
      Confused + concerned,
      Si Hammer

  2. This is the stupidest and funniest shit I ever seen yet. You got to love the south! Keep it common I need a good story to read every now and then. Thank you!

  3. As much as I like bacon, that’s gonna kill the head retention. And a Malaysian orangutan’s foot?! They’re an endangered species, man! A 15 minute addition of mango good to the boil will accomplish the same flavor profile.

    • No, no, you misunderstand. They keep the orangutan out back, free range. He is surprisingly cooperative about the foot-in-beer for 15 minutes thing.

  4. I actually coined the term “Face Mullet” for these beards, as 20 years from now people will look at photos of all these guys with beards and say “what were they thinking.” Just like you do now with mullets.

    • Hardly Jeff, long beards have been around for thousands of years

      • Not like now for godsake,come to Maqdison,Wi. i will give you a tour.Yes they have been aroun but not on every male you see, dont get me started on skinny jeans either

  5. Adam Hawkins probably moved to Charleston from Brooklyn. Craft beards are their biggest exports.

  6. Rev. Woody Jesus | August 26, 2016 at 4:43 pm | Reply

    Shocking! Before you know it, there’ll be people with a full set of teeth cooking meth!

  7. What’s funny about all that to me is how ridiculous the extremes have been reached regarding alcohol levels, bitterness, burning of the grains and calling it good, adding meats, adding fruits, vegetables, etc. I love a good, well (and locally) made all grain, balanced beer. You can keep the hyper-hopped bitter or the burnt grain brews… I’m not saying that it’s wrong for you, as Toby Kieth says, it just don’t make sense to me. The best humor contains truth and a lot of that story is hilarious!

    • Amen. Good beer is like a good steak. If you have to cover it up with all kinds of other stuff someone did something wrong. Toasted is one thing, burned another. Avoid extremes in all things, especially bitterness. It’s all about balance and drinkability.

      • No one is trying to “cover” anything. What you consider “extreme” is just adequate to some one else. Different strokes…no one is the arbiter of what makes a “good beer”. If you prefer piss water, then by all means, drink up! Frankly, the two of you sound more pretentious than any brewer I’ve met.

  8. I’m also seeing a lack of tattoos on his arms probably his legs also i’m guessing. I hope they caught this as well and make sure that he gets properly inked up with at least 3 pretentious quotes or song lyrics, a couple spirit animals, some tribal symbols, and some writing in an Asian language that he thinks means something deep but no one really knows. And if he wears glasses the better black framed or he could do some serious time.

  9. Joy in Seattle | August 26, 2016 at 7:32 pm | Reply

    I’m going to need to know where he sourced his bacon. Is it local?

  10. #craftbeard revolution!

  11. He deserves every bit of this punishment and if you axs me, he got off easy. What’s more, he should have to preform manule labor such as shucking out the mash tun by hand or licking the terlets clean. No beard? Unherd of!

  12. The Law’s the Law.

    He should have known better.

  13. You misspelled ‘Portland’, there.

  14. Jimbo… the difference is the ones in Brooklyn with craft beards don’t wash them.

  15. Jimbo: “But I question whether the infused Bacon is really sustainable.”
    Come on bro, one does not question bacon, ever. Bacon is a gift God has bestown upon us mere mortals, don’t post prophanity ;D

  16. It’s a shame beer can’t be beer any longer.

  17. Who’s going to triple hop a caramel macchiato stout … Seriously … It’s already too sweet and creamy … Try paring some of that milk back with soy and going half sweet

  18. To tell you the truth I would have liked a taste of that beer but the monkey foot has me concerned a bit…haha

  19. All the weenies cracking on beards are effeminate lil estrogen soaked wussies who cannot grow a real one … or afraid of what their mommy will think. But I did enjoy the humor !

  20. I can’t believe this actually happened… Do the police not have better things to do?

  21. Have to wake up REALLY early to get anything by Vinny eh guys?!??

  22. Its alright buddy the cops can not find any trace of all the evidence they collected. A royal commission is called for me thinks. Now hop off and grain some more experience.

  23. What, are we France now?

  24. Are you serious warbastard? You seem like you legit believe this….

  25. And Vinny, ate you really that angry of a person to attack people on here and call them idiots? Someone needs to get laid and stop being a douchebag.

  26. I’m still trying to get over the food scene in Charleston. The common collard and pork bellies reached a height never before seen, and Yankees scoffed it up like it was caviar. Now it’s kale everything. Ten years ago the average redneck never heard of kale, so no wonder all the craft breweries feel it’s necessary to upscale something so basic as beer to make a bold statement.Moonshine infusions have been around a long time, but just wait, that common commodity will exceed aged scotch in popularity soon.

  27. I drink from the product house at my brewery…clean shaven or not.

  28. yawnbore

  29. Should be forced to join CAMRA

  30. Are we sure this man didn’t have a beard before he started his craft brewery? I mean it takes a lot of time and effort to grow a full beard on your own. Maybe he sensed a change in the market and was considering a handlebar mustache or some other facial wizardry. Still I think he should count himself lucky he got caught when he did. I mean seriously how can anyone carry on like everything’s normal without any bacon?

  31. All of my searches of “sustainable bacon” lead me to either a.)sustainable pork farming, or b.) canibalism. To all who’ve come here looking for a real mooshroom-type bacon tree, look elsewhere.

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