Charleston city officials issued a false Zika virus warning this week in an effort to keep annoying northerners out of the Charleston area. If all goes according to plan, the number of insufferable yankees planning to move to the Lowcountry will drop dramatically.
Mayor John Tecklenburg said the false advisory was unusual but necessary. “Normally we like to maintain an administration of truth and transparency,” he said. “But for Christ’s sake…how many more obnoxious people from the north are going to move here? We did what we felt was necessary to scare them away and preserve the integrity of the Lowcountry.”
Charleston resident Lauren Brinkley is delighted with the Zika virus smokescreen. “The worst are the douchebags who are both Italian and from New York. Which aspect are they going to awkwardly force into a conversation first? It’s anyone’s guess…but it’s going to be annoying as hell either way.”
New Jersey resident Anthony Esposito was thinking about retiring to the Charleston area, but has now reconsidered after learning of the Zika warning. “I’m tryin to stay healthy ova here,” he said. “I don’t want me or Marie gettin that Zika gahbage. You’s fellas in Chaston don’t have good bagels eitha. Fuh-getta-boutit.”
If the false Zika warning is a success, Charleston plans to campaign for the title of City Where You’re Most Likely To Be Attacked By Someone High On Flakka from Conde Nast Magazine. The hope is to rid Charleston of pushy douchebags with exposed gold chains on their chest complaining about how slow the service is around here.