Charleston Issues False Zika Virus Warning To Keep Northerners Away

Charleston city officials issued a false Zika virus warning this week in an effort to keep annoying northerners out of the Charleston area. If all goes according to plan, the number of insufferable yankees planning to move to the Lowcountry will drop dramatically.

Mayor John Tecklenburg said the false advisory was unusual but necessary. “Normally we like to maintain an administration of truth and transparency,” he said. “But for Christ’s sake…how many more obnoxious people from the north are going to move here? We did what we felt was necessary to scare them away and preserve the integrity of the Lowcountry.”

Charleston resident Lauren Brinkley is delighted with the Zika virus smokescreen. “The worst are the douchebags who are both Italian and from New York. Which aspect are they going to awkwardly force into a conversation first? It’s anyone’s guess…but it’s going to be annoying as hell either way.”

New Jersey resident Anthony Esposito was thinking about retiring to the Charleston area, but has now reconsidered after learning of the Zika warning. “I’m tryin to stay healthy ova here,” he said. “I don’t want me or Marie gettin that Zika gahbage. You’s fellas in Chaston don’t have good bagels eitha. Fuh-getta-boutit.”

If the false Zika warning is a success, Charleston plans to campaign for the title of City Where You’re Most Likely To Be Attacked By Someone High On Flakka from Conde Nast Magazine. The hope is to rid Charleston of pushy douchebags with exposed gold chains on their chest complaining about how slow the service is around here.




11 Comments on "Charleston Issues False Zika Virus Warning To Keep Northerners Away"

  1. You need more stories with Anthony Esposito.

  2. Kinda sad. I moved here from New England 2 yrs ago. Was raised in the South (GA, AL, NC) but lived north for 25 years when my family moved there. Finally back and have been feeling the love of Charleston, singing its praises and even picking trash off her beaches (which I see the natives throw down, btw). Sad to see your bundling every northerner this way. How should Charlestonians be labeled? Litterbugs? Two-faced? No… I get this is supposed to be funny and pick at annoying people but it rubs wrong for those who chose to move here bc it’s the “friendliest” city. Don’t over-advertise if you don’t want people to migrate? You’ll take their revenue as long as no one moves here? Hm. First blemish and lack of class I’ve witnessed. Guess that’s not too bad if it took 2 years. I still love Folly, whether the people love me or not. I know I bring good to the area. I’m neither Italian nor fr Jersey but still feel this rub. I come from a shoreline tourist area in CT (so I understand the annoyance of “outsiders”) and love the ocean as much as the next person. I’m grateful to live here no matter your bias. I hope I never implied someone wasn’t welcome to the shore in Old Saybrook CT.

    • Trish honey! go and buy yerslef a donut in the mornin an jus forit about it okay? you’re the reason we are stuck in traffic, don’t ya know ? hah! just a kiddin there!

    • Trish, you friggin douche bag lol! you have no idea!

    • I guess compared to the Connecticut shoreline Charleston is not a safe space.

      But keep picking up the garbage on the beach. We like that.

  3. R.T. Shepherd | August 31, 2016 at 1:36 pm | Reply

    It’s impossible to even travel the roads in Chucktown because of our “success” as a city. It’s a no-win, so perhaps a little faux nonsense can act as a salve of sorts.

    • yeah you think so? good for you!

      • Can you say a second wave of “carpet baggers”. We love our lifestyle and clearly you all must too, but the thing is, we feel overcrowded and are at risk of loosing the very things we love. A few years ago, I could drive the 6 miles to Folly in about 20 minutes from my house to parking… and not feel like I was risking life and limb to drive on Folly Rd. If we liked living cramped and crowded, we would have moved elsewhere (read out of the south). Many times newcomers don’t understand the culture here and therefore Charleston looses a little of it’s original appeal. Can we all say Hilton Head??? There locals are in the minority. Hey, you might feel more accepted there… and you get the same beauty and weather and have someone to complain to, someone who feels your pain!

  4. hah! literally laughing out loud! thank you!!!!!! you guys are absolutely friggin awesome and my husband aka “joey bag-a-donuts” thinks the same no matta what yooo say!

  5. BUILD a GREAT WALL on the Mason-Dixon line and see how many fewer Southerner’s want to move north than northerner’s who want to move South. Mmmmm, there is a good reason for that. I think a Visiting Visa and Passport of no more than three days a year should be granted to northerner’s who wish to visit a Southern State, and that they should not be permitted to carry a gun in a Southern State during that visit.

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