Charleston Housing Market Tests Positive for Steroids

This morning, Major League Housing confirmed that the Charleston real estate market has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. This is the second positive test result for Charleston housing, whose first steroid violation came just before the housing collapse of 2008.

A random urine sample was taken from a standard home closing in West Ashley on Friday. After tests confirmed the presence of steroids, the sale was suspended indefinitely and the home must enter a substance abuse treatment program. Speculation is circulating that this latest offense will keep Charleston out of the Housing Hall of Fame for good.

The property’s selling agent denied initial media reports of cheating. Real Estate Agent Matt Crawford said, “This home did not knowingly take steroids to artificially boost its value. A landscaper may have provided a supplement that contained a banned substance, but my property had no knowledge of what was in it, and shouldn’t be punished. I better not lose my commission on this deal.”

Mayor John Tecklenburg assured local housing fans that there would be a thorough investigation. “We will get to the bottom of this,” he said. “We will make sure selling a home in Charleston remains a clean and fair game for everyone…except people in Mt. Pleasant. They are always going to be screwed with those prices.”

Neighborhood resident Allison Holcomb suspected something fishy for a while. “Everyone knew that house was juicing,” she said. “Its dormers doubled in size in the last few years, and its siding acne was out of control. Homes don’t just go up in value 10% every single year without a correction. People need to wake the hell up.”