The Charleston area was sent into a panic Friday morning when residents believed the Devil had descended upon them to bring the apocalypse. It turns out the beastly growls and clouds of dense black smoke that fogged the entire area came from Charleston County School District buses.
Local resident Hannah Deering was terrified by what she saw. “I was on my way to work and all of a sudden I was engulfed in a black cloud,” she said. “I thought I had crossed through a dimensional portal and entered the gates of hell. I was relieved to see it was just from the run-down school bus in front of me.”
The school district office is accustomed to receiving many apocalypse reports at this point. District Receptionist Wendy Halloway said, “People usually think they’re seeing the gates of hell opening up or nuclear winter, yada-yada-yada. I just tell them it’s the buses’ exhaust and to chill out.”
When we asked District Logistics Director Frank Adams if the county would be acquiring more environmentally-friendly buses in the near future, he laughed in our faces. “We’re too busy closing schools and firing teachers right now to worry about something as small as that. We couldn’t even afford it anyway. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m going to get paid tomorrow.”
Charleston-area air quality is expected to improve by 437% as soon as school lets out for summer break. The district is expected to ignore this issue along with every other issue and hopes it all goes away.