83% of Charleston Residents Hungover as Hell This Morning

The Charleston metropolitan area is experiencing an unprecedented health event this morning. An estimated 83% of Charleston area residents are extremely hungover which will result in zero work being accomplished today. An initial investigation has revealed almost everyone got sloppy drunk at Super Bowl parties last night, even though they knew they had to work today.

Charleston Mayor John Tecklenburg said the city is doing what it can to assist all residents in pain. “We’re aware of the epic-level hangover event and have initiated emergency protocols. The National Guard will be handing out cold bottles of Gatorade, Advil Liqui-Gels capsules, and warm sausage McGriddle sandwiches. We still need more comfortable couches for people to lay down on, so any donations would be greatly appreciated.”

The devastation from the hangover outbreak was apparent at sunrise. Many morning commuters pulled their cars off to the side of the road when they realized they were still drunk and needed to take a nap. Local employers were also flooded with phone calls from people calling in sick to work, which went unanswered because their bosses were hungover too.

The hangovers seem to be the most painful in the West Ashley area, where people were dumb enough to take multiple shots of Fireball after the game had ended. West Ashley resident Beth Loman said, “It feels like an elephant is breakdancing in my head with lead shoes on. Why did we take so many shots? I’m never drinking again.”

Things are expected to return to normal throughout the week. Young adults should be able to bounce back and return to work tomorrow. Thirty and forty-year-olds, whose hangovers are three-day events, should be back to 100% health on Thursday.