A young Summerville man has decided to put aside finding a girlfriend so he can devote his entire life to playing Pokemon Go. Patrick Southard has never had sex in his life, and probably won’t in the near future because he’s using all his spare time to collect imaginary Pokemon items with painfully cute names.
Pokemon Go was just released last week and has already turned into a mobile game phenomenon. Thousands of Charleston-area residents spent the entire weekend aimlessly wandering around and almost getting run over by cars so they could gather endless Pokemon items. The game is particularly popular with individuals seeking to fill a major void in their lives.
Patrick shared the reasoning for his decision put his sex life on hold for Pokemon Go. “I just can’t deal with the pressure of finding a girl and building my Pokemon assets at the same time,” he said. “Besides, who needs a life partner when I can collect Meowths to keep me company at night?”
Summerville local Chrissy Shea tried to strike up a conversation with Patrick at Target, but was ignored when he rushed passed her to capture a Pidgey. “I tried making eye contact with him, but he wouldn’t take his eyes off his stupid phone,” she said. “It’s a shame. I like those geeky types and I was feeling horny.”
Patrick is projected to collect everything possible in Pokemon Go by this time next year. When that’s complete, he’s expected to take up collecting rare Beanie Babies to avoid sexual contact for even longer.